Bored Peon News

Peon Finds Use for College Diploma

2005-05-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—After a noticeable absence from the public spot–light, renowned Office Bitch and Bored Peon, Matthew Will, has made a return.

For the past few months, Will has been on a quest to find out what his college diploma was good for. After spending two and a half years in the real world working, he had still not put his college diploma to good use.

“You know I spent a lot of money on that diploma; I’ll be paying it off for the rest of my life. At the least, I want to get good use out of it. I mean I have gotten a lot of use out of my high school diploma, it’s gotten me this far in my job.”

Matthew has been trying for awhile to put the college diploma to good use. At first he tried to use it to cover up the piles of filing on his desk, but after filing the diploma mistakenly in the round file cabinet under his desk he decided that may be a poor use of it.

He also tried using the diploma as a coaster and as tissue along other various uses. “I kept trying to think of a way to use it to input numbers into Excel but every time I put it on the key board I could not see the keys. Then I tried it on the monitor and that didn’t work out either.”

Matthew was about to give up and go home when one day, his boss sent him on a task that would finally put his diploma to good use. “It was amazing; as soon as I start doing it I knew this was what my diploma was good for; my life felt complete. I knew the $80,000 I spent on college really was worth it.”

According to Matthew the best use for a college diploma is using it to get your boss’ cars washed. “It has to be one of the most challenging tasks I’ve had to do. My life is now complete. There is no way I would have been able to do it if I hadn’t spent four years and $80,000 on a college education. It takes an extremely well–educated person to get a car washed.”

Matthew’s coworker, Erin Granoff, had this to say about his new responsibility, “It’s no wonder that he makes more money than me. I have a college diploma, but they have never let me do anything like that. They just had me change to Purchasing. I would give anything to be able to wash cars.”

It is evident that Matthew has truly found a good use for his college diploma. His hope is that others will be able to follow his example and find good uses for their diplomas—like moving boxes, tracing lines, and pouring coffee.

Little People Vow Revenge on Big Pussy

2005-05-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

By JESSICA RABBIT

Humble, TX — The sad loss of 28 cambodian midgets’ lives to a ferocious lion in a death match held in Kâmpóng Chhnãng on Saturday, April 25, 2005 has devastated little people around the world. Forty-two members of the Cambodian Midget Fighting League challenged the lion in a battle of man versus beast. Unfortunately mankind lost.

Members of the North American Midget Fighting League (NAMFL) were outraged to learn of the loss of their fellow hobbits. They are now throwing their hat in the ring for a chance at the title and to avenge the deaths of their fallen comrades.

President and founding member of the NAMFL, Gail Foyer, met with interviewers to discuss her fighting strategy. “At fourteen years old, I ran away from home and joined the Barnum and Bailey Circus to be around people more like me. I had always felt like an outsider and it was with these carneys that I finally felt at peace. I just wanted to be where everyone knew my name...where they were always glad I came. I wanted to be where I could see troubles were all the same. I just wanted to be where everyone knew my name.”

Foyer served as a lion tamer for three years before one of her fellow carneys, Dildo the clown, suffered a tragic death under the 937 lb force bite of a lion. Apparently the lion and Dildo did not get along. Dildo had squirted the lion with water out of a corsage one too many times. Foyer seethed, “I hate the cats; they can not be trusted. Dildo never hurt any pussy cat, he was always smiling. There were people who said that smile was painted on his face but I know it would have still been there even if it hadn’t been painted. I know these cats and how they think–that is what makes me a fierce competitor. I used to be a lion maimer because of Dildo, now it’s personal. When lions attack clowns, it’s one thing. When lions attack midgets, it’s personal. It’s on.”

Foyer’s coach and personal trainer, Seismal Shannon, stands behind her ultimate prize fighter. “This is not a measure of skill or experience. It is a measure of endurance and tenacity. The saying, ‘good things come in small packages,’ is all Gail Foyer. She has the heart of a champion.” With a plunging décolletage that revealed more than this reporter wanted to know, Shannon leaned forward and whispered, “And if she loses, I know a good surgeon that can fix anything.”

According to office bookie and t.u. economics graduate, Ashley "Chili" Hormel, the odds are favorable for Foyer. “Most houses ‘take’ between 14-20%. Our ‘take’ here is 33%. At last count, we had $10.93 in our tip jar. When you account for the ‘take,’ $7.32 is left in the pot. My fellow digitizers and I pooled $3.05 to place on Foyer. We are counting on these 1.40/1 odds to help pay our bills. It’s the difference between living in River Oaks and Kingwood. As digitizers we don’t make that much money so the thought of making a .25¢ profit on my .63¢ bet is pretty exciting. People just don’t understand what all goes into a man-beast altercation. There’s not just the cost of the venue, but the costs of purse money for the midget, administrative fees, midget union fees, as well as the Starbuck’s coffee.”

Many employees of New Tech question Shannon’s qualifications as a coach for the NAMFL. Several employees at New Tech vied for position as the head coach and trainer for such a highly coveted position in the NAMFL. Senior digitizer, Niki Black had hoped that she will be first in line for the new position. “What the fuck. I have been working at this fucking place for almost a fucking year now. If anyone fucking knows about fucking cat fights, it’s me. I’m from fucking Bastrop, Texas.”

In defense of her skills, Shannon had this to tell reporters, “I have been a sexcretary at New Tech for four years previous to my current position. In that time, I have learned valuable PR skills through talking on the phone relentlessly, excellent marketing strategies from flirting with Cigar Boner, our Marketing Director and now Office Manager, and most notably, undeserved supply procurement abilities. While I myself am not afflicted with the debilitating disease of midgetism, I have had a bunch of babies. I am highly qualified if not over-qualified to coach in the NAMFL.”

Billy Meow, known digitizer sympathizer and petrophysical tech, decided to back the underdog lion. Billy told reporters, “Whenever there is chance to win on a piece of tail, I take it. I am a big fan of slut kitties... everyone knows how much I love the great pussy. I saved for weeks and placed .97¢ on the lion. He is the returning champion, you know. Foyer is going to get pussy-whipped. Yeah, she is going down.”

High schooler Kristen Keira Kent, aka KKK, is looking forward what she calls the “Rumble in Humble.” KKK, like Ms. Hormel, has placed her money on the lion. KKK admits, “I have had no experience with Foyer but I can just tell she’s rough. She spends a lot of time at her desk meditating too. Lions sleep about 20 hours of the day so they’re a little more lethargic than Stump. I’m putting my lunch money on Foyer.”

Foyer and her coach meet daily to discuss new fighting strategies. Training sessions last between 16 and 27 minutes in length at a time and sometimes occur in both mornings and afternoons. Coach and fighter enjoy a Starbuck’s coffee funded by Foyer’s sponsor New Tech Energy to get Foyer’s heart rate up. According to Shannon, “Caffeine is widely known for its uses as a stimulant. I sometimes have to use it to get Foyer pumped up for practice. It gives her that extra bounce in her step crucial to someone of her stature, besides New Tech, our sponsor, pays for it.”

While the NAMFL may be angered at the loss of their fellow dwarves, members of the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cat Animosity) are livid. Cat lover, Jessica Millhouse, had this to say, “I hope the cat dismembers that little gnome. Cats are loveable animals and just terribly misunderstood. They are exploiting this poor cat. This is just terrible.”

At the current time, the man versus beast challenge has not been officially scheduled but plans are steadily underway. President and CEO of New Tech, Allen Coward, has pledged company-wide support of the event. Coward had this to say, “We here at New Tech are proud sponsors of the North American Midget Fighting League and are honored that one of our employees is participating. As a family, we will want to support Foyer in the fight. New Tech will pay for each employee and a guest to attend the event. Digitizers will not be given free tickets however. Those little maggots should feel lucky that they are not being thrown into the pit with the midgets too.”

For more information on the Cambodian Midget Fighting League please go to: http://www.perfect.co.uk/robin/2005/05/lionvsmidgets.htm.

Whose §ħî† is this?

2005-05-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

By LEIGH MILBURN

KINGWOOD, TX-At approximately 1:45 pm Wednesday afternoon, Jessica Milburn returned to her suburban home to find something disturbing in the middle of the living room floor. A small round lone “dinkle berry” lay between the kitchen counter and navy leather reclining chair. Milburn was unable to ascertain whether the excrement was of the feline or canine persuasion. Lab analysis should identify the culprit within the week. Milburn has elected to use the same laboratory that a former coworker, Cigar Boner, uses in his self-motivated and company-funded DNA fingerprint analysis studies.

Fourteen year old Scottish terrier, Dudley Dougal McTavish had no comment for Milburn when asked if he had left the warm “Hershey kiss” on the carpet. McTavish pretended he was sleeping although Milburn could see that one eye was wide open.

Household cat and self-designated monarch, Muhammed Abdullah Ozziz Jabhar was questioned about the possibility of his involvement in the “doodle surprise.” Jabhar, also familiarly known as “Ozzy” or “Slut Kitty,” had this to say, “آثب غبکط ،تذبدن یثگيپ بریاذآ ار ،سگاذن ،بساط یفكيپ .تنثاك شيد ،شگئغذيی آنیين آثپ ،آثپی آثپث ك ئیيز اریگاطت كیا آثپیا !سپطاغ ،غرت یكث فئغتي غرتن آفف فذز پیكث زگزف انپی ،ذک” Although interpreters were not available for translation, Milburn believes Ozzy may know more than he leads on.

At a later time, reporters met with McTavish in a “safe place.” McTavish told our reporters that he knew who had left the “dookie” but feared for his life and sought asylum if any evidence he may provide would lead to a proper indictment. McTavish’s fears of Ozzy were made known to this reporter. Apparently the gay Muslim cat mysteriously showed up at the Milburn doorstep around the time that American troops were sent to Iraq and several members of the Taliban and other Middle Eastern terrorist groups went into hiding. Since Ozzy’s nearly three year residency at the Milburn estate, Ozzy has commandeered a red chenille sofa despite all managerial opposition as well as enslaved several members of the Milburn family as his “bitches.” Members of the Milburn family have been subject to feeding Jabhar at irregular intervals throughout the day to be chosen by Jabhar’s discretion. Retaliation could result in utter annihilation. McTavish feels that Ozzy’s presence is threatening and dominating and believes Jabhar may have planted the evidence to wrongly accuse McTavish thus leading to banishment to the outside world.

In a whispered tone, McTavish said, “Whits fur ye’ll no gin by ye.” Loosely translated, we believe this to mean, “What’s meant for you will not pass you by.” We are not sure how this relates to the “turd” on the carpet.

Caffeine Makes Peons Jittery

2005-05-12T16:09:00.000-07:00

By LEIGH MILBURN

HUMBLE, TX-In a shocking move, the digitizers of New Tech along with other underappreciated employees were offered their choice of Starbuck’s coffee Monday afternoon. President and CEO of New Tech, Allen Coward, had this to say, “I value my employees at New Tech. Every employee is an asset. Our business would not function if it were not for our analysts, petrophysical technicians, New Stump engineers, annotators and printers, IT department, administrative personnel, salesmen, and management.” When this reporter pointed out to Coward that digitizers were not mentioned but had received free coffee, Coward appeared mildly confused. Then irritated he said, “I was unaware of this. I will have my Office Manager, Cigar Boner, get right on top of this. Boner is my right hand man; Boner has a way of getting to the bottom of things and is on the inside of what is going on here. Rest assured; it will not happen again.”

For high schooler Kristen Clark this oversight was quite shocking. “My Caramel Macchiato cost more than the $4.35 I make an hour. I thought about asking for extra whip cream but didn’t wanna push it.”

In the past, digitizers have been deemed not worthy of the free Starbuck’s coffee privileges bestowed upon other company employees. In fact, all efforts have been made to secretly procure coffee for certain employees who are rumored to be of proper social status in the New Tech chain of command. When Office Manager Boner was questioned as to this recent change of events, Boner had this to say, “I was unaware at the time I took orders that the digitizers were not to be included. To rectify this obvious logistics error, we will be revoking the digitizers’ bonus privileges for the next two weeks to help manage overhead costs.”

Senior digitizer Niki White had this to say, “What the fuck. So now they are going to take away our free fucking coffee? I don’t even fucking drink coffee. Whateva I don’t care. I do what I want and I drink what I want. Boner is such a fucking prick.”

Ashley Elholm, bitter digitizer, was apparently clueless to the free coffee. After discovering that the other digitizers were offered free coffee, Elholm approached Boner and asked, “Please sir, may I have some more?” Boner demanded Elholm go back to her corner and not talk for the rest of the afternoon.

Known digitizer sympathizer, Billy Yow, a petrophysical technician, was disappointed by the afternoon coffee treat. “I find it more difficult to take my afternoon nap when threatened by caffeine. I don’t smoke therefore I am entitled to my 15 minute nap at 3:30! I am not putting up with this bullshit. Besides, I refuse to let Boner have anything over me. I don’t want to owe Boner anything. Boner can take his free coffee and shove it up Coward’s ass!” In an obscene gesture, Yow raised his fist and said, “Take this Boner and shove it!”

When asked if a free White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino Light Blended Coffee would have persuaded former employee Jessica Milburn to stay at New Tech as a digitizer, Milburn had this to say, “Unless that Frappuccino came with a side of Prozac and a morphine drip, I am going to have to say no that one.”

Former digitizer and newly appointed IT person Mike Williams was also available for comment and surreptitiously leaned forward and said, “I’ve figured out a way to launder digitizer coffee expenses in our accounting database. I’m doing everything I can to help my fellow peons. Boner will not get away with this. This elitist regime he has erected will not last; Boner will fall. Viva La Revolución De Café!”

Incompetent Staff Silenced

2005-04-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

By LYNN & LEIGH MILBURN

Humble, TX - In an effort to improve a logistical situation, phones were removed from the digitizing areas to across the hall. Office Manager, Craig Boner, aka “the Humble Kim Jung Il,” gave this comment, “I take my position as Allen’s personal bitch and leader of the New Tech Gestapo very seriously. One of my highest priorities in this position is to exterminate this latest trend in free thinking. It has become apparent to us at New Tech management that the highly developed communication skills of the digitizer employees has led to the exchange of these ideas and opinions which are not sanctioned by our HR policy.“

According to Senior Digitizer Niki White, “Fuck’em, fuck’em all... when the fuck are my fucking maternity privileges kicking in?!” White remains unphased by the phone extension relocation since she wiped the receiver on her ass crack before handing it over to the engineers across the hall.

The truth is, the digitizers are not as important as the engineers. Although told they are key assets to the company, the digitizers will need to adapt by using alternative forms of communication. Billy Yow, known digitizer sympathizer and petrophysical tech, had this to say, “I feel sorry that they don't have phones, but perhaps in time they will grow accustomed to using smoke signals.”

Using American Sign Language (ASL), Ashley Elholm had this to say, “When they took away our talking privileges, I thought it was bad. The fact that the situation here is now so ridiculous is very frustrating. I mean, how am I supposed to shout out my feelings of self defecation by moving my fingers around?” The other digitizers were unable to determine what she signed next because from this point forward Elholm’s hands started waving around faster than greased lightning.

A shared line is now provided at the scanning station, over fifteen feet from the digitizing area, in lieu of the individual extensions. This information was relayed after Elholm gave a blank stare to the news and asked when her phone would be installed. Due to the obvious persecution of having to use a shared phone over five steps from the digitizing area, Mike Williams has formed an underground resistance communications movement based in IT.

Williams was seen emailing the phrase: Viva La Revolución Telefónica!

Office Bitch Out to Reclaim Peon Status

2005-03-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH, CA-For the past few months renowned Office Bitch Mat Will had been quietly working at his desk, and it was not the type of working that had made him famous and started the Bored Peon movement that had spread across the country. This is the type of work you wouldn’t expect from the Bored Peon crowd.

Over the past few months Will has been taking on work other then filing and photocopying. On one occasion Will was even present at a meeting to discuss current marketing plans. But Will pledges no more.

“I got caught up in this whole work thing. I forgot what I was all about, they just kept giving me more and more real work. The more I got, the less bored I was. I never even realized what was happening.”

According to Dr. Jessica Milburn, “I have found this is a normal occurrence within the ‘bored peon’ crowd. They are so used to being bored you can slowly up their work load and they never notice. Before long they will have been reformed and moved out of the peon status.”

When confronted with Dr. Milburn’s comments Will had this to say: “I have no idea why you would talk to her, she is not a doctor, she’s a digitizer.”

Despite Wills claims that Dr. Milburn is not a doctor, he admits that she does have a point. “It’s way too easy to become distracted by work. I am vowing not to let it happen again. I am making a life long commitment to being not only a bored peon but office bitch. No more work for me. Just copying and filing.“

Bored Peons Take to Gambling

2005-03-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

By LYNN MILBURN

HUMBLE, TX - The first question provided by Gamblers Anonymous to help the individual decide if he or she is a compulsive gambler and wants to stop gambling is, “Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?” The bored peons at New Tech have screamed back in their frustrations with a resounding, “YES!”

Yesterday, during company time, a bet was taken on how many times the digitizers, otherwise known as “those freakin’ morons,” would be reminded that the investors were coming today. Bored peons everywhere joined in the office pool, proof of their stupidity and sliding moral standards. Protestant values point out that not only have the digitizers lost time from work due to gambling, they are gambling on work-related issues while at work. Unfortunately, the ungrateful little minions don’t seem to care and have taken an active interest in placing wagers on the actions of their superiors. As of this report, there had been two reminders.

Mike Williams, Senior Geo-Technician, is currently winning the wager with his bet of two reminders. “Everybody around here knows that I’m SuperDig but still, I try to stay low-key on these bets. Digitizers are to be seen and not heard. And preferably not seen.” This reporter has discovered that indeed it does seem that the majority of the business world considers these slug-like digitizers to have the IQ of a salad bar, seemingly deserving of more than just two reminders that the all important investors are coming.

How these bored peons even manage to have the brain capacity to walk upright after tracing lines all day is a mystery to highschooler Kristen Clark, “It isn’t like they’re rocket scientists. They’re just digitizers.” Ms. Clark is currently losing the wager with her bet of nine reminders. It is obvious that she agrees with management on the issue of digitizer intelligence. Clark has tried to remain on her high (school) horse, but it doesn’t look too good. Mr. Williams has since informed Clark that she is digitizer, just like the other bored peons. “She wastes time and money placing bets just like the rest of us,” said Williams, “which means that she isn’t any smarter than us.”

Not only is time lost due to gambling at New Tech, but it has encouraged a false “get rich quick” mind set. Though trying to bet conservatively on these office pools, Leigh Milburn had this to say, “I count on this money as a part of my income. It’s the difference between eating Ramen and Spam and you can only eat so much Ramen.” Ms. Milburn and Billy Yow, a known digitizer sympathizer, are planning on expanding the illegal gambling ring to include underground Mexican cock fights in the office. Such tests of physical endurance are sure to bring in more betting, and therefore more revenues.

Even with the increased popularity of this kind of misbehavior, getting the cash from these wagers has not been an easy task. Ashley Elholm, digitizer and office bookie, had this to say, “I have to bust knee caps, or, in any extreme cases, to dismember arms and limbs in order to get each person remit their individual payment to me. Sometimes it is hard after we declare an official winner, because these digitizers don’t want to pay someone else equally idiotic as them, and that is when the fun part of my job kicks in. The sociopathic nature of my job is how I take out my frustration with being a digitizer, but in no way do my duties as a bookie stop others from having a pleasant day at the office.” When questioned about the investors, Ms. Elholm said, “What investors?” It is doubtful that Elholm even knows that co-workers stole her Mexican cock-fight idea right from under her nose. According to Ms. Milburn, “Billy can easily be my patsy for the cock-fight scheme, but I think Ashley might turn me in to the micromanagers. I am no woman’s patsy, plus I doubt that Ashley would ever figure out that Billy and I stole it before it was too late.”

Protestant fundamental management at New Tech has begun negotiations with Gamblers Anonymous for the addition of weekly meetings (to immediately follow the regular bitch sessions) as part of the employee benefit program. This fact has not deterred the bored peons from the hope of future gambling. “Our riveting wager scheduled for next week will be how far in my pregnancy will I make it before I snap on my supervisor and get fired,” said Niki White, a beloved coworker and lowly digitizer at New Tech.

Man Gets Pen Stuck In His Nose

2005-03-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH, CA-Hours after announcing his come back as a Bored Peon, Office Bitch Mat Will proceeded to sit as his desk acting busy. While he was doing so, he realized that his new pen was about the size of his nostril and may make a good nose-picking utensil. Unfortunately for Mat, his new pen was in fact larger than his nostril and became lodged while he was nose spelunking.

When Office Manager, Teresa Morgan, returned from lunch she found Mat sitting at his desk with the pen in his nose. “At first I didn’t say anything about it. I mean, it’s Mat. He’s prone to stick stuff in his nose and ears. I’m just used to it now. I have seem him stick car keys, paper clips, cell phone antennas, and whatever else he can get his hands on in his nose.”

However, after a few minutes, Teresa and a few other coworkers noticed that the pen was still lodged in his nose and he was desperately struggling to pull it out. After a few moments coworkers were able to restrain Mat while they tried to remove the pen. Finally out of desperation, coworkers allowed Michelle Tate, Mat’s archrival, to give it a try.

Michelle as able to, with little work, remove the pen from Mat’s nose. “I have a young son; and, he is always sticking stuff up his nose and getting it stuck. Come to think about it, Mat and my son have a lot in common, except my son can dress himself.”

After the experience, Mat has vowed to stick with pencils for picking his nose.

Poll Shows Beards are Cool

2005-01-20T13:01:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH, CA-Earlier today, The Department of Useless Statistics (DUS) announced that recent polls found that beards are cool.

John Will, founder of DUS, has been polling the ladies over the past year to find out their preferences in men, in a vain effort to improve his game. “Over the past year I have polled the ladies on everything and never have I found a common thread in their likes. I was starting to think there was no hope in taking my game to the next level.”

“Then one day I was having lunch with my brother, Mat Will, and I noticed the ladies were all over him. At first, I figured it was due to his fame as the ‘Office Bitch,’ but later I heard them talking about how cool his beard was. From there I started the poll.”

Over the past two weeks, DUS has done extensive polling around the US to find out the actual appeal of the beard. Below are the results of the polls:

97% found beards cool
94.2% found beards sexy
91% felt real men have beards and real men are sexy
93.2% found men who can’t grow beards weak
95.6% found men with over-manicured beards/goatees gay

“What these polls show is that beards are not only manly but the ladies find them dead sexy. Guys like Mat Will, who can grow real manly beards, will get all the ladies. I am just hoping mine will come in someday so I too can get the ladies like Mat.”

Office Bitch Cheated Out of Title?

2005-01-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH-Earlier today, renowned Office Bitch Matthew Will announced that he wanted an investigation to be launched into Erin Granoff being announced as the “Lowest Paid Employee in the Company.” Early on Thursday, Erin was rewarded with a new tape dispenser for the position.

“This is complete BS; there is no way she makes less money than me. I mean I work harder than anyone around here at making less money. She has never run to Mexico for the company,” noted Mat Will at a press conference where he announced his official protest of the day’s event.

When asked about today’s turn of events, Erin had this to say: “I don’t know what he is bitching about, I make less money than him and that is just the way it is. I mean I’m a one-woman company over here, and I make less money than him. This is my title. I have worked hard for it.”

Upon review, outside auditors have ruled that Erin Granoff is truly the “Lowest Paid Employee in the Company.“ It appears that well over a year ago Matthew and Erin were both granted raises against their will. But due to a technicality, Mr. Will’s raise did not include the cost of living raise (COLR) while Granoff’s did include the COLR. It was due to this that Will makes a little over $600 more a year.

“I can’t believe this. I lost my title because I got a raise a week too early. This is so stupid, I didn’t even want the raise in the first place, and all I wanted is a tape dispenser. I’ll give the money back. Please!” noted Will as he broke down into tears.

When asked if she would be willing to give Will her new tape dispenser, Granoff had this to say about Will: “There is no way I’m giving Mat my dispenser. I work harder than he does, everyone knows that Mat just sits around at his desk picking his nose and writing stupid articles about gay squirrels.”

For the time being, Will has conceded that Erin truly is the “Lowest Paid Employee in the Company,” but warned her that he would be coming after her title in the near future. “You are going to have to get a raise sometime. Just wait.”

Lost Man Returns to Civilization

2004-12-14T16:30:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH-Late this afternoon, Mat Will stumbled into the offices of Village Development, the last place he was seen two weeks ago.

According to authorities, at some time in late November, Mat was sent on an errand to remove Christmas decorations from the crawl space of his boss’ house, who has asked to remain nameless.

A week later, Teresa Morgan filed a report with police stating Mat had gone missing. “It seemed really nice around here, and no one could figure out why. Then one day I was sitting there wishing I had someone to pick on, and I realized Mat was gone.” noted Teresa. However, due to the fact no one was sure when Matt had gone missing, the police put the case on hold until they could pinpoint the time frame.

When Mat appeared at the Village offices today, authorities and coworkers were amazed at the shape he was in. According to Mat, on the morning of November 30, he set off to find the Christmas decorations in the crawl space of his boss’ house. After spending a few days wandering around the crawl space, he finally found the boxes of decorations.

“It took me a few days just to find the boxes they were looking for, and by that time I had gotten so lost I wasn’t sure which way was out. I just figured the best thing I could do was set up camp and hope someone would find me. I was lucky there was a family of rats living up there. Rats don’t taste all that bad.”

Finally, after a few days of living on rats, Mat decided that no one would be coming to save him. He set out with the boxes to find his way out. It is unknown how Mat was able to find his way out, since shortly after starting his quest Mat remembers blacking out.

“One minute I was moving the boxes around, the next thing I know I’m back in the office. I had no idea I had been gone that long. I’m just glad to be out of there.”

Ficus Tree Violated

2004-12-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

By MAT WILL

HUMBLE, TEXAS-Police are reporting today that the criminal known as “The Christmas Creeper” has once again struck of offices of New Tech Alliance. Over the past two days in a sting of brazen acts, someone has violated and terrorized the prized ficus tree of New Tech.

“I came out of my office and there were bows and lights all over the ficus tree; I couldn’t believe anyone would do that to a ficus tree. They are the most noble of all office plants; why would you violate it like that?” sobbed Johnnie Cutler.

Shortly after the discovery of the tree violation, Cutler, held a powwow with the employees in the ficus area. During this closed door meeting, employees were notified that up until now, they have had it very good, but unless someone came forward with information about “The Christmas Creeper,” things would get a whole lot worse for them.

Jessica Milburn told us, “Toward the end of the meeting he was yelling and screaming at us. He even threatened to take our talking privileges away from us. That’s all we have left. Whoever is doing this needs to stop.”

However, Cutler’s threats did not ring to the heart of “The Christmas Creeper.” In another daring attack on the ficus tree, more lights and bows were added. This time the police were called onto the scene.

Detective John Will had this to say about the crime, “After looking at the crime scene and the evidence we found, we are now sure there was more than one “Christmas Creeper;” it is possible that we are dealing with a whole gang of them.”

For now, police will be stationing a unit around the clock to guard the ficus tree.

As for the employees who refused to cooperate with police, they have all had their talking privileges taken away.

Man Strikes Gold at Work

2004-12-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH, CA-Earlier today Matthew Will, world-renowned office bitch, struck gold while at work. According to eye witnesses, Mat was sitting at his desk staring blankly at his computer when he started digging for gold.

According to Mat, “it’s nothing special; I do stuff like this all the time. There are times when you just get one stuck up there and you need to get it out. I tried blowing it out, but it wouldn’t move. So I just started digging.”

Teresa Morgan, Office Manger, had the best view of the events. “I have to sit here everyday and watch him do that. He thinks he’s sneaky about it. But you can tell when he does it. I mean his desk is in a giant open area. It’s pretty gross and I’ve asked him to stop.”

Mat seemed shocked by the knowledge of his digging for gold. “So what if I do it? Everyone does and it’s not like I eat them. I just pick’em ’n flick’em.”

However, according to other employees this is not true. Michelle Tate has seen him eat his prizes on a number of occasions. “Sometimes when I’m sneaking up on Mat to harass him, I will see him sneak his finger from his nose to his mouth. What else he could be doing?”

Office authorities are launching an investigation into the matter. John Will, Head of the Office Investigation Taskforce (OIT), had this to say, “We will do whatever is needed to clear up this matter. We will have someone watching Mat all times. The OIT will get to the bottom of this by week’s end.”

Skippy Author Announces Release Date

2004-12-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH - Earlier today well-known and beloved author Mat Will announced that he is once again working on the epic, “Skippy: The Quest for Nuts.” Adoring fans have long awaited the release of the epic. The epic is scheduled for release on Monday December 6, 2004.

“My creative juices are back; I have a whole six pack of them in fridge waiting for me at home. Pound a few of those and Skippy will be done in no time,” noted Mat.

In a Bored Peon exclusive we were give a small excerpt from the epic:

Skippy gazed longingly at the nuts he had always dreamed of finding. There they were sitting there across the grassy field from him. Without hesitation, he threw down his copy of Cosmo and ran towards the nuts. His heart was pounding as he approached the nuts. He fell to his knees and embraced the nut...

Skippy Epic Delayed

2004-11-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

By STEVEN WILL

NEWPORT BEACH-Well-known author Mat Will announced today that his long awaited epic, “Skippy: A Search for His Nuts,” will once again be delayed. “I feel for my fans and I am sorry that it is taking so long. There is just too much pressure on me right now. I need to take some me time...get my head back in the story,” noted Mat.

Fans all over the country are expressing their outrage about the delay in the story. This is the second time in the past few months that Mat has announced that the story will be delayed due to “writers block,” a common ailment found in writers.

His fans however have a different opinion on what is causing the delays. Erica Milburn, President and Founder of the Mat Fan Club had this to say about the delays, “It is just stupid, there is no reason for him to put the book off again. There are so many people who look forward to this, now he is taking it away from us. He needs to get off his high horse and stop playing with his nuts and write the story. I swear if he doesn’t give it to me soon I’m going to kick him in the junk.”

Mat is now in hiding.

Monkey Business

2004-11-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

By MATTHEW STEVEN

NEWPORT BEACH, CA-In an unprecedented move, Village Development has replaced employee Matthew Will with a Patas Monkey.

Matthew Will, a graduate from Concordia University 2003, has been working at the land development company for the past two years. His primary job has been acting as an office assistant for the powers that be. Most of his days at the office are spent making photocopies, answering phones and creating cover letters.

According to Matthew’s boss Cheryl Fiege, “His job was pretty simple; I mean pretty much anyone with a brain could do it. I just couldn’t see having to give him a raise to do that work. So we got a monkey, it’s a lot cheaper.”

While some monkeys are considered to be as smart as humans, the Patas is not one of them. According to Jack Hannan, well-known animal expert, “Patas Monkeys are one of the dumbest animals on the face of the planet. They are the type of monkey that gives all monkeys a bad name. Most of the time they sit around flinging poo at each other.”

When Village Employee, Karyle Kelly was asked about replacing Matthew with a monkey, she said, “Well, the monkey’s a lot cuter and he doesn’t pick his butt so much. He seems like a nice monkey.”

Matthew was unavailable for comments, but a spokesman for Mr. Will said, “that monkey better hope he never runs into Matt in a dark alley.”

Project Assistant found in Coma

2004-11-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

By MATTHEW STEVEN

NEWPORT BEACH, CA-The office of Village Development is still in shock this afternoon after the bizarre series of events that took place earlier in the day.

Around 11:30 in the afternoon, coworker Michelle Tate found Project Assistant Matthew Will sitting motionless in his chair. After taunting him for a few minutes she realized something must be wrong. “Normally he starts to weep when I make fun of him. But this time he just sat there, I just figured he was trying to act tough, but then I realized he’s not tough, so I poked at him with a pen. He just kinda fell over,” said Tate.

Tate was concerned for Will, so she gathered a few other coworkers to try to figure out what was going on. After a few minutes of poking him and giving him a nice fu-man-chu mustache with a Sharpie, the crowd of coworkers called for medical professionals to attend to Will.

When the paramedics arrived they were shocked to see that state Will was in. Bubba Ray, a paramedic on the job for 20 years, was horror-struck when he walked in the office, “I’ve been doing this a long time, but I’ve never seen anything like this, it was the worst mustache I have ever seen. It took me a long time to get over it. We had to cover his face just to get him in the ambulance.”

Will was rushed to the UCI Medical Center where doctors began attending him. “Once we took care of the mustache we realized there was a much larger problem with him,” said Dr. Sue King. After a few minutes of research, they were able to diagnose Will as being “Bored to Death.” According to the staff at UCI, this is not an uncommon problem.

“The real problem with this disease is that most people assume the person afflicted with it passes away. The reality is that they actually fall into a deep coma. If not treated immediately the patient may never come out of the coma.” explained Dr. King.

Currently Will is being treated at UCI with doses of Play Station 2 games and copies of Maxim. They are optimistic that this will bring him out of the coma. The real concern now for Will is what will happen when he once again returns to work. Investigators have found that the only work Will has had to do over the past few weeks has been making photocopies and typing letters.

Will’s younger brother and coworker John Will had this to say about his brother’s working condition, “He spends a lot of time picking his nose I think. Every time I go to get something from him, he’s just goofing off. I just figured he was lazy, now I realized he was bored this whole time.”

Will’s bosses were unavailable for comment at this time.

Office Bandit Strikes Again

2004-11-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

By MATTHEW WILL

NEWPORT BEACH-The notorious “Office Bandit” that has been terrorizing offices of Village Development over the past few months has once again struck, this time walking off with a tape dispenser from the desk of Matthew Will.

Mr. Will seems to be the preferred target of the Bandit. Over the past few months the mysterious bandit has taken a letter opener, a large number of nice pens, and other items from Mr. Will’s desk.

According to Mr. Will, if this sort of action continues he is going to have to start taking all of his office supplies home with him every night. “He has taken so much from me. It’s getting to the point that I feel like I can’t even get up from my desk to get water. I just know he is going to strike again. I just pray he doesn’t take my stapler. It’s all I have left.”

While Mr. Will seems to be the hardest hit, the Bandit has taken other items as well, the most publicized incident being that of Teresa Morgan’s prized office supply catalog being taken. Rewards were offered, but as of this report nothing has been uncovered about catalog.

When other Village employees were asked about the string of thefts, they were hesitant to talk. The whole office seems to be living in fear of the Bandit. John Will has said that he fears for his favorite pen, “I have had this pen since I started working here, I don’t know if I could go on without it.”

If this rash of theft isn’t stopped soon, many fear that chaos may erupt in the office. Already employees are banding together in gangs to make sure they have all the office supplies they need. A group that is calling themselves “Rimrock” have been seen on more than one occasion raiding the company supply room.

Ron Therrien, company CFO, said “They were like a bunch of crazed animals. They were digging through supplies with this crazed look in their eyes. I was afraid. I hid under my desk for at least an hour before I could come back out.”

Authorities are asking for anyone with information to please come forward, they promise to offer protection to anyone who does.